It’s been eight years since my last blog post. Just let it sink in for a moment and think about that. It was 2012 and times were much simpler. Much, much simpler in fact, what with all the craziness that is the Covid-19 pandemic assaulting the world at the moment. I was also much younger and a very different person in those days. At least I’d like to think so. I’d like to think that I’ve grown both as a person and as a writer during the intervening years. I really do hope the latter is true most of all, because looking back at my past entries, I find myself… cringing somewhat?
I’m probably being a tad unfair and harsh on myself. We are our own worst critics after all. But knowing what I know now about myself and how I tend to think, I can’t help but see the true intentions behind every post that was written. In essence, my words just screamed desperation, with a longing to be seen and be “popular” as it were.
It may not be noticeable to the casual reader (nothing would make me happier!) but it’s obvious to me that I was trying my best to please every single person that came along to peruse my blog. I wanted to be everything to everyone, which is so improbable, we might as well call it impossible. First, I tried being funny, with mixed results at best, followed by attempts at seriousness, then intellectual, and finally educational posts – sometimes all at once! It’s as if I was attempting to follow a formula to lead me to success. While this blog is titled “Random Deviations”, it was in effect “planned randomness”, which is of course a contradiction and a terrible one at that!
You see, I love true randomness in all its glory! The subverted expectations, the tangents and deviations that can’t be foreseen! For a writer, or any artist in fact, randomness is at the heart of inspiration. For what is randomness but chaos itself? The human mind is pure chaos – our minds have to constantly process the massive amounts of sensory information coming at us from all directions to bring order to it all, just so that we can function in our day-to-day lives.
However, if you think about it, the true gems of creativity – whether they be expressed through art, music, photography or the written word – spring from chaos! Beautiful, random Chaos, the patron saint of artists everywhere. Order has its place of course and can even possess a cold, empty beauty of its own. It is downright necessary depending on the subject at hand as well, don’t get me wrong. But it is as a single candle flame next to the shining sun that is chaos!
“I say unto you: one must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.”– Friedrich Nietzsche
By now, you must be wondering where I’m going with all of this. So here it is: I don’t know! And that, dear readers is the point! I felt an urge to write, to create once more after all this time and I just went with it. I didn’t plan anything out or whip up any magic formula to success this time. I’m just writing things as they come. I’m not only blogging either, I’m also making an attempt at a novel and several short stories that may or may not ever see the light of day. But that part, the part whether I ever get published or not, doesn’t matter. Only the act of creating matters. That’s the true lesson that I’ve learned over the years. You see, the part I never mentioned before is that, when I was writing with the purpose and intention of being a famous blogger, all the joy from writing was slowly being sapped from me. It became a chore. And when I wasn’t met with the instant success that I was craving, it became a disappointment. So I stopped writing.
Expectation is the root of all heartache.– William Shakespeare
Creating shouldn’t have a purpose beyond the act itself. If you’re creating for the sole purpose of making money or becoming famous, then you’re doing it wrong. You may very well find success in those areas but you won’t find joy. I’m not scorning the possible material rewards of course, I’m simply saying that they should merely be a bonus to the privilege of being able to share your creativity with the world and not the goal itself.
So here I am in the year 2020, back after eight years of not writing, in the middle of a global pandemic of all things, and yet I find myself joyous once again. I’m creating with no goal in mind besides creation itself. It’s chaotic, it’s random, and it’s wonderful!