Sadly, it is Sunday night, which means that the weekend is over. However as tragic at that is, I do have some good news to share with you all that should provide a modicum of happiness and quell your misery somewhat. I have been awarded the Liebster Blog Award, which means some other lucky bloggers will also be receiving an award tonight! Huzzah! Continue reading “An Award And A Request”
Somewhere in a little corner of the internet
In a blog where nothing really happens
I placed a video, and waited for someone to watch it.
Take note, this is how you advertise, people.
I had a five second dream the other night. It consisted of me walking and then slipping on the curb of a sidewalk, followed by that gut-wrenching, heart-stopping feeling that you are about to fall. Of course, seeing as I was in bed, I wasn’t actually falling, but my body wasn’t going to have any of that, of course, and it decided to jerk all crazily in an attempt to keep itself upright, which doesn’t make sense because I wasn’t upright to begin with. In any case, I was violently awoken by all the fuss and was left with my heart pounding away in my chest as if I had just narrowly cheated death somehow. I hate it when this happens.
Perhaps you have experienced this occurrence yourselves? Roughly 70 percent of people do after all. This occurrence has a name you know, and that name is hypnagogic myoclonic twitch. But that’s a bit of a mouthful, so people usually just refer to it as a “hypnic jerk”. Not to be confused with a “hippie jerk”, which is an entirely different issue.
I love that its name sounds like an insult. I can shake my fist in outrage at it yelling “You damn hypnic jerk!” and it feels like I’ve managed to put it in its place. It’s very satisfying.
Now you may be wondering why these damn hypnic jerks even occur in the first place. Well, apparently the experts are still not completely sure why the body does this, but they believe it to be a natural part of the sleeping process. They believe that as the muscles begin to relax and go slack right as you are falling asleep, the brain can misinterpret this and think you’re falling down. Then it basically freaks out. In an attempt to save you from falling, the brain sends signals to the muscles in your arms and legs and gives them a big ol’ twitch, thus awakening you from your sound slumber.
Now I’d like to know why the brain is misinterpreting these signals in the first place. Is it just too lazy to put forth the effort? Is it just a weird short-circuit that takes place? Or is it something more sinister? Maybe the brain is the real jerk here and it just enjoys kicking us awake just as we’re about to nod off. Yeah, that’s probably it. You heard it here first, folks. Our brains are little sadists. What’s even worse is that apparently hypnic jerks occur more frequently in people who are uncomfortable and having trouble sleeping, or in those who are already sleep deprived to begin with. See? Only a sadistic jerk would trick an insomniac into waking up, just as he or she was falling asleep.
Well then, it looks like the so-called “experts” have been fooled in the end. Our brains aren’t making us spasm to “save us from falling”. They’re just assholes.
Almost everyone goes through at least one interview in their lifetime and it can be a stressful event, even for the most well-prepared of people. I myself have been through several of these oh-so-fun experiences and have learned many useful tips in the process.
There are subtle ways of influencing an interviewer into seeing you as a great potential candidate, whether you are or not. Just follow these 6 easy tips and there’s no way you can lose.
1. Prepping for the interview
Before even heading out the door, it is important to prepare yourself for your interview. While casual clothing, like your tattered jeans and your humorous novelty t-shirt, are comfortable and awesome looking, it is best to dress in business, or at least business-casual attire. Otherwise, the interviewer will become jealous of your comfy and stylish clothing and they may not hire you out of spite. In addition, be sure to have minty fresh breath in case the interviewer is a close-talker, or in case they fall in love with you and want to have an impromptu make-out session (this is a good sign that you’ll be hired).
2. The handshake
This is your first point of contact with your interviewer. It can make or break the whole thing. When the interviewer offers you his or her hand, this is not a signal to give them a high-five. In addition it would be against your best interest to slip them some cash (at this point anyway; get a better feel for them first). Just give them a nice firm handshake; not limp, like a gross dead fish, flopping into their hand. Conversely, breaking all the bones in the interviewer’s hand with your iron grip may seem like a good idea at first – it shows how strong you are after all – but this is also ill-advised. You don’t want to make the interviewer feel inferior after all.
3. Take a seat
When the interviewer offers you a seat, I advise against taking their chair home with you. It is nice of them to offer it to you and all, but it’s more of a token gesture than anything else. Just wait for the them to offer it to you and then sit down. This conveys that you are declining to take the chair as a gift, but still shows that you like it and find it comfortable. It is considered impolite to do otherwise.
4. The questions
Most interviewers like to begin by asking you to tell them about yourself. This is your chance to shine. While some people like to go on at length about their amazing life experiences and accomplishments, like the time you ate 30 hot dogs without vomiting, or the time you blacked out and woke up naked in a strange apartment with a hobo, a chihuahua and 20 cartons of eggs, it’s best if you stick to the boring events regarding your education, training and work experience. The interviewer will be wanting to read all the exciting stories on your Facebook page later anyway, so they don’t want to be spoiled beforehand.
For the rest of the questions, just tell them exactly what they want to hear. For example:
- Why do you want to work for us? Because you are the best at what you do and it’s been my life’s dream to work for this company. (I find that flattery can go a long way here; you might want to throw in words like “magnificent”, “amazing”, and “outstanding”)
- Where do you see yourself in five years? I sincerely hope that I still work for this breathtaking company (again, flattery) without having received a raise or a promotion. (Any mention of them not having to spend more money on you is a bonus)
- Tell me your greatest strength. My greatest strength is that I get things done no matter what. I will move mountains, part the seas, dig valleys and plant forests if need be to reach my goal. (Usage of hyperbole can be a nice way to show your creativity).
- Tell me your greatest weakness. My greatest weakness is that I’m too humble. I’m the perfect employee after all, but I am never able to admit it. (The trick here is to take a positive aspect of yourself and make it sound negative. This will catch the interviewer off guard because they’ve most likely never come across this tactic before)
5. Eye contact
It is important to maintain eye contact at all times. This is crucial in an interview. If you keep looking at the floor or the ceiling, the interviewer will either become distracted and curious about what you seem to be studying so intently and start studying it themselves – they’re only human, after all – or they will think you’re hiding something, such as the fact that you’re slightly cross-eyed. It’s better to just get it out in the open right from the start; they might even feel pity for you and give you bonus points for it.
6. Your questions
It is always best to have a question or two to ask the interviewer at the end. To not ask questions shows that you’ve understood everything completely and are now showing off your intelligence to the interviewer. They don’t like that. Just play dumb and ask them to repeat something they already explained in detail, such as the duties of the position. Another option is to ask a strange convoluted question such as “If this company was a train travelling at 100 mph, and your rival company was a bus travelling at 80 mph, which one is more likely to crash and burn?” This will likely confuse the interviewer, but they will also respect you for challenging their intellect in such a manner.
And there you have it, dear readers! The next time you have an interview, follow these guidelines and you can’t go wrong. To deviate from these however is sure to lead to certain disaster, so tread carefully my friends.
Oh, and as a last tip, remember to smile… even if your grin makes you look like the Joker who’s about to kill Batman. It’s still better than your usual blank stare that makes you look like the voices are talking to you again.
I wish you the best of luck in all your future interviews. Unless I’m going for the same position as well. In that case, I wish you to fail miserably.
For all of those wondering, it was intentional that I used “liebster” and not “lobster” in the title.
“Liebster” is a German word for “dearest” or “beloved”, therefore you’re all my beloved friends, and are not in fact my lobster friends.
But if you want to be my lobster friends, that’s fine too. I don’t discriminate against crustaceans.
The reason you’re all my liebster (and lobster) friends is that you always know how to make me smile and I enjoy making all of you smile. Smiles for everyone!
Also, I’ve been nominated for the Liebster Blog Award! Maybe I should have said that first. It would have made more sense… Oh well. In addition, I’ve also been nominated for the Versatile Blogger award! I am now especially smiley today because tadams4u from Laughing at Everyday Life saw fit to nominate me for these 2 (!) awards!
I am always flattered and honoured to be nominated. You get that nice, warm, fuzzy feeling inside when you realize that people actually read and enjoy your writing! It’s a great feeling and I love passing on that feeling to others, I really do. But sometimes the little rules attached to these awards can seem a little tedious. A little fun too, but still tedious. So I choose to look at them more as guidelines than anything else; you can follow as much or as little of them as you want. I figure as long as you’re sincere in your gratitude and in your own nominations, then that’s all that matters. :)
The awards I received are the Liebster Blog Award, which is awarded to bloggers with less than 200 followers who need a little extra recognition:
And the Versatile Blogger Award (Hooray! My second one!), which is basically awarded to any blog that you enjoy:
Now here are the rules for these lovely awards:
Versatile Blogger Award :
- Nominate 15 fellow bloggers (or as many as you deem worthy)
- Inform the bloggers of their nomination.
- Share 7 things about yourself.
- Thank the blogger who nominated you and link back to them.
- Add the “Versatile Blogger Award” pic to your blog post.
Liebster Blog Award :
- Again, thank the blogger who nominated you and link back to their blog.
- Nominate 5 other blogs with less than 200 followers (I think I’m going to take a page from tadams4u’s book and roll this one together with the Versatile Blogger Award lol)
- Let the nominees know about said nomination
- Lastly, add the “Liebster Blog Award” image to your post.
Welp, I better get started. First, I’m going to share 7 things about myself, but since I already did this just a short while ago with my last Versatile Blogger Award, I’m going to go through this at warp speed compared to last time.
- I can speak French.
- I’m very quiet and reserved in person. (I like to have an air of mystery around me lol)
- I hate green peppers.
- I have brown eyes.
- I have a dog.
- I like yoga, but don’t do it as often as I’d like.
- I have strange sense of humour (in case you hadn’t noticed)
Now onto the nominations. Like I said, I’m rolling both these awards into one, so the nominees shall receive both the Versatile Blogger Award and the Liebster Blog Award (2 for the price of 1!) I really have no idea how to tell how many followers a blogger has if they opt not to post it, so hopefully those I nominate don’t actually have 1,000 followers or something. If you happen to have more than 200 followers, please don’t be offended that I thought you were just an awesome up-and-coming blogger, and not an awesome, already famous blogger.
The nominees are fairly new discoveries for me and they are all unique in their own way. Some are humorous, some are thought-provoking, some are a mixture of both, but all of them are enjoyable:
Well, that meets the Liebster Blog Award quota at least… good enough. Make sure to check out these excellent bloggers and don’t forget to also visit my liebster nominator Laughing at Everyday Life!
Rock on my lobster friends! Rock on!
Woe is me, dear readers! Break out the world’s smallest violin and rosin up its bow. Secure any and all dams for I am about to cry you a river.
Alas, I still cannot for the life of me think of something to blog about. I tried writing a haiku yesterday to get the creative juices flowing, but I think my brain is either all dried up or I just have a nasty clog.
I know, I know, today is Easter. I should just write about that, right? Wrong! Wrong, dear readers! There are already hundreds, nay thousands, of blogs and articles specifically dedicated to that very thing out there on the Internet for one to peruse! I refuse to submit to peer pressure and write about it just because everyone else is! It doesn’t matter if it makes for a perfect theme for a post! I’m NOT going to do it! You can’t make me!!! I’m not listening!!!
Now that I’ve calmed down after a time-out in the corner for my little tantrum, I have decided that the best course of action is to listen to the Voice of Reason. Reason is smart and will help me find something to write about.
So, Reason, what do you have to say?
Well, first of all Chris, do you realize that you are now currently writing a post about not being able to think of something to post about, which is easily just as common, if not more so, than posts about Easter? After all, there are many, many posts with people bemoaning their inability to write and those are written all year long.
Well, I –
Secondly, this isn’t even your first time writing about this!! You already mentioned yesterday’s haiku, but what about the time you wrote about nothing happening while you were searching in vain for something to write about? Do you even think before you start typing? Do you?
I do, but –
I don’t think you realize how whiny you sound! “Wah wah wah, I can’t think of anything! Why oh why won’t interesting things happen to me? Why can’t I spin out thrilling and humorous tales on a daily basis?” That’s you! That’s what you sound like! Why must everything be so dramatic with you, huh? Why can’t you just write like a normal person!?! Whyyy?!?! I can’t take it anymore! Just sit down, shut up, and stop wallowing in self-pity already!!!! ARRGGHH!
Well dear readers, the Voice of Reason is not being reasonable anymore, therefore it is taking a turn in the corner for a time-out. I apologize for its outburst. I guess I should avoid this whole topic of conversation in the future, lest the Voice of Reason decide to come and silence me… permanently. (cue dramatic music)
However, seeing as how the Voice of Reason is a part of me, silencing me would in essence silence IT as well. Ha! Joke’s on it then!
So after all of this, I never did come up with a proper topic to post about. However I did get to ramble insanely for a while, and isn’t that what blogging is truly all about, dear readers?
Hello once again, dear readers. Today I would like to introduce you to someone. This is, as dubbed by the Internet, Mr. Ridiculously Photogenic Guy:
Isn’t he pretty? This photo was taken only a week ago, on March 31st, and it’s already gone viral online. Actually this was the original photo:
Just look at him, dear readers! While everyone around him is sweaty and all red in the face from exertion (you know, like normal people?) he somehow manages to look like he’s in the middle of modelling for a Nike ad or something. While it is possible, even probable, that he is also sweating and red in the face, his beaming smile and shining eyes make any imperfection invisible to the camera.
Some people have got it really good; it’s just impossible to take a bad photo of them. They can be hung over, covered in their own vomit (or even other people’s vomit) and dressed in a paper bag yet somehow, they still manage to look magnificent in photos. Don’t you just hate those people sometimes?
I know in my case, I’m the complete opposite of photogenic. I’m always the one in pictures with my eyes half closed or with some weird expression on my face that only seems to appear right as the picture is being taken. And I know I’m not the only one out there who suffers from this sad affliction. We just can’t all be as ridiculously photogenic as Zeddie Little (that’s the guy’s name; even his name is somehow photogenic, whether that makes sense or not). C’est la vie, I guess…
And apparently, everyone online has fallen in love with this guy (including me – just look at that radiant smile!), which of course means that they chose to express their love through the magic of Photoshop. Here are a few examples that I found:
He was even in the newspaper:
So Mr. Ridiculously Photogenic Guy, I salute you for becoming famous by smiling at the camera. (Who would have guessed that was possible?) However, one of the pitfalls of fame is getting an inflated ego, which is so very unattractive. So, as a favour to you, I’m going to give you something to keep your head from swelling and becoming ugly:
Now don’t worry Mr. Ridiculously Photogenic guy. We don’t actually hate you, right dear readers? It just the little green devil called Envy For Not Being As Photogenic As You (the name just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?) that makes us think we do sometimes.
I discovered something very tragic today indeed, dear readers. Yesterday was National PB & J Day in the United States and I missed it! In the words of Charlie Brown:
I know what you’re all thinking…. But Chris! You’re not even American! True enough, dear readers, true enough. But even so, were I aware of the existence of this amazing holiday yesterday, I would have had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich anyhow in honour of it. They’re so delicious after all…
What? That isn’t what you were all thinking? Oh I see, what you were really thinking was Why the hell are you talking about peanut butter sandwiches when your title clearly states this post should be about bananas?! There’s even a dancing banana at the top!!
Patience, dear readers, patience; I’m getting to that. Now where was I again? Oh yes, Peanut Butter and Jelly Day. It turns out that every day is some kind of holiday in the US (how cool is that?). Here is a full list of said holidays. April 2nd is as I’ve said, PB & J day.
Today, April 3rd, is Tweed Day and Don’t Go to Work Unless It’s Fun Day (awesome and awesome). Those go together perfectly! Tweed is always fun, which means if you celebrate Tweed Day, you’re definitely going to have fun at work. But I suppose if you’d rather stay home, you’d have to forgo the tweed, which would be a shame. Can’t have everything I guess…
Now tomorrow, April 4th, is Tell-A-Lie Day. Here’s a good one to use: “This sentence is a lie.” But Chris, if that sentence is a lie, then it’s telling the truth, hence it can’t be a lie, but it can’t be the truth because it says it’s a lie…. Don’t hurt yourselves thinking about it, dear readers, just inflict it on your friends, co-workers, maybe even your boss… Perhaps the latter will become trapped in an infinite loop, thus preparing you for April 5th, Go For Broke Day, where you may now be able to persuade your boss’s weakened mind into giving you that raise or extra vacation time you’ve been too afraid to ask for.
The list goes on. April 13th, Blame Somebody Else Day, sounds like a particularly fun one… or horrible one, depending which side of the blaming you’re on.
Now, here’s what you’ve all been waiting for dear readers…. What is the relevance of bananas in my post? The suspense must be killing you.
Here it is, as a tribute to National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day:
*tumbleweeds blow past*
Come now, dear readers, it may be a little passé but I believe it still has comedic merit.
Are you still there?
*Note: For those who are unfamiliar with this dancing banana, it was a very popular meme a few years ago that went viral. If you want to know more, then I’ll direct your attention to this:
The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year. ~ Mark Twain
Since where I am, there are still 5 minutes left of April Fools’ Day, I thought I would blog a little about it.
How right Mr. Twain was! We should celebrate our foolishness more often, albeit with more of this:
And less of this (what the guy’s portraying, not the videos themselves. Jokes about jokes are funny):
Happy April Fools’ everyone! Hopefully none of you were pranked too badly today… Or if you were the ones doing the pranking, then I hope they were successful! ;)
I was walking my dog today and I came upon this sign. I pass it every day when walking by but I’d never stopped and taken a close look before. I was confused, amused and intrigued all at once. It was pretty special. I decided to snap a photo of it to share with you guys; maybe someone out there can enlighten me… What is this supposed to be telling me exactly?
Let analyze this step by step. The top part is pretty clear; “DANGER” is pretty straightforward and so is the little lightning bolt implying electrocution (unless it’s supposed to be a mountain cracking open or something… but let’s stick with the previous assumption).
So, now we have a man opening a box with a key that’s crossed out and some kind of hemorrhaging fowl (?) flying towards him screaming “Nooooo!!” Actually it’s just “No!”, not a drawn out wail or anything, but I find my way adds drama to the scene, like it’s some kind of slow motion action sequence or something.
I really don’t know what they’re trying to say here… If I open the box I’ll be electrocuted AND assaulted by a dying anthropomorphic bird? Or if I try to open it the dying anthropomorphic bird will come and stop me?
It also says at the bottom “You can be badly hurt”. Now one would normally assume that the electrical components inside the box are what would hurt you, should you choose to mess with them. But now I’m not so sure… Maybe it’s THE BIRD or whatever (seriously, what the heck is that thing and why is it bleeding?) that will hurt you! Maybe he’s trying to protect something valuable inside the box and the electrocution (or cracking mountain) symbol is just misdirection!
See, they really didn’t think this sign through. They need to be clear in their meaning, otherwise people everywhere will be opening these boxes to find out what’s inside. That or they’ll try to open them just so they can meet the anthropomorphic bird before it dies.
So in the end, if you ever need to create a warning sign, dear readers, stick to the obvious death threats, like skulls, explosions, people in wheelchairs rolling into the mouths of crocodiles… I’m not even kidding about the last one. Here’s a picture, and if you look closely (click to enlarge it), you’ll see that the “Resurrection Parking” (?!) and “Family Beer and Liquor” is nearby, so even if someone should roll to their doom there, they’ll just be brought back to life and then the whole family can go and get drunk. Hooray for signs!