Tag Archives: confusing

Essential Tips for a Successful Interview

Almost everyone goes through at least one interview in their lifetime and it can be a stressful event, even for the most well-prepared of people. I myself have been through several of these oh-so-fun experiences and have learned many useful tips in the process.

There are subtle ways of influencing an interviewer into seeing you as a great potential candidate, whether you are or not. Just follow these 6 easy tips and there’s no way you can lose.

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1. Prepping for the interview

Before even heading out the door, it is important to prepare yourself for your interview. While casual clothing, like your tattered jeans and your humorous novelty t-shirt, are comfortable and awesome looking, it is best to dress in business, or at least business-casual attire. Otherwise, the interviewer will become jealous of your comfy and stylish clothing and they may not hire you out of spite. In addition, be sure to have minty fresh breath in case the interviewer is a close-talker, or in case they fall in love with you and want to have an impromptu make-out session (this is a good sign that you’ll be hired).

Job Interview

Dress as stylish as this guy, and you too can work in a green office with a ghost and a snazzy conference room.

2. The handshake

This is your first point of contact with your interviewer. It can make or break the whole thing. When the interviewer offers you his or her hand, this is not a signal to give them a high-five. In addition it would be against your best interest to slip them some cash (at this point anyway; get a better feel for them first). Just give them a nice firm handshake; not limp, like a gross dead fish, flopping into their hand. Conversely, breaking all the bones in the interviewer’s hand with your iron grip may seem like a good idea at first – it shows how strong you are after all – but this is also ill-advised. You don’t want to make the interviewer feel inferior after all.

3. Take a seat

When the interviewer offers you a seat, I advise against taking their chair home with you. It is nice of them to offer it to you and all, but it’s more of a token gesture than anything else. Just wait for the them to offer it to you and then sit down. This conveys that you are declining to take the chair as a gift, but still shows that you like it and find it comfortable. It is considered impolite to do otherwise.

4. The questions

Most interviewers like to begin by asking you to tell them about yourself. This is your chance to shine. While some people like to go on at length about their amazing life experiences and accomplishments, like the time you ate 30 hot dogs without vomiting, or the time you blacked out and woke up naked in a strange apartment with a hobo, a chihuahua and 20 cartons of eggs, it’s best if you stick to the boring events regarding your education, training and work experience. The interviewer will be wanting to read all the exciting stories on your Facebook page later anyway, so they don’t want to be spoiled beforehand.

For the rest of the questions, just tell them exactly what they want to hear. For example:

  • Why do you want to work for us? Because you are the best at what you do and it’s been my life’s dream to work for this company. (I find that flattery can go a long way here; you might want to throw in words like “magnificent”, “amazing”, and “outstanding”)
  • Where do you see yourself in five years? I sincerely hope that I still work for this breathtaking company (again, flattery) without having received a raise or a promotion. (Any mention of them not having to spend more money on you is a bonus)
  • Tell me your greatest strength. My greatest strength is that I get things done no matter what. I will move mountains, part the seas, dig valleys and plant forests if need be to reach my goal. (Usage of hyperbole can be a nice way to show your creativity).
  • Tell me your greatest weakness. My greatest weakness is that I’m too humble. I’m the perfect employee after all, but I am never able to admit it. (The trick here is to take a positive aspect of yourself and make it sound negative. This will catch the interviewer off guard because they’ve most likely never come across this tactic before)

5. Eye contact

It is important to maintain eye contact at all times. This is crucial in an interview. If you keep looking at the floor or the ceiling, the interviewer will either become distracted and curious about what you seem to be studying so intently and start studying it themselves – they’re only human, after all – or they will think you’re hiding something, such as the fact that you’re slightly cross-eyed. It’s better to just get it out in the open right from the start; they might even feel pity for you and give you bonus points for it.

6. Your questions

It is always best to have a question or two to ask the interviewer at the end. To not ask questions shows that you’ve understood everything completely and are now showing off your intelligence to the interviewer. They don’t like that. Just play dumb and ask them to repeat something they already explained in detail, such as the duties of the position. Another option is to ask a strange convoluted question such as “If this company was a train travelling at 100 mph, and your rival company was a bus travelling at 80 mph, which one is more likely to crash and burn?” This will likely confuse the interviewer, but they will also respect you for challenging their intellect in such a manner.

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And there you have it, dear readers! The next time you have an interview, follow these guidelines and you can’t go wrong. To deviate from these however is sure to lead to certain disaster, so tread carefully my friends.

Oh, and as a last tip, remember to smile… even if your grin makes you look like the Joker who’s about to kill Batman. It’s still better than your usual blank stare that makes you look like the voices are talking to you again.

I wish you the best of luck in all your future interviews. Unless I’m going for the same position as well. In that case, I wish you to fail miserably.


The Voice of Reason

Woe is me, dear readers! Break out the world’s smallest violin and rosin up its bow. Secure any and all dams for I am about to cry you a river.

Alas, I still cannot for the life of me think of something to blog about. I tried writing a haiku yesterday to get the creative juices flowing, but I think my brain is either all dried up or I just have a nasty clog.

I know, I know, today is Easter. I should just write about that, right? Wrong! Wrong, dear readers! There are already hundreds, nay thousands, of blogs and articles specifically dedicated to that very thing out there on the Internet for one to peruse! I refuse to submit to peer pressure and write about it just because everyone else is! It doesn’t matter if it makes for a perfect theme for a post! I’m NOT going to do it! You can’t make me!!! I’m not listening!!!

*Ahem*

Now that I’ve calmed down after a time-out in the corner for my little tantrum, I have decided that the best course of action is to listen to the Voice of Reason. Reason is smart and will help me find something to write about.

So, Reason, what do you have to say?

Well, first of all Chris, do you realize that you are now currently writing a post about not being able to think of something to post about, which is easily just as common, if not more so, than posts about Easter? After all, there are many, many posts with people bemoaning their inability to write and those are written all year long.

Well, I –

Secondly, this isn’t even your first time writing about this!! You already mentioned yesterday’s haiku, but what about the time you wrote about nothing happening while you were searching in vain for something to write about? Do you even think before you start typing? Do you?

I do, but –

I don’t think you realize how whiny you sound! “Wah wah wah, I can’t think of anything! Why oh why won’t interesting things happen to me? Why can’t I spin out thrilling and humorous tales on a daily basis?”  That’s you! That’s what you sound like! Why must everything be so dramatic with you, huh? Why can’t you just write like a normal person!?! Whyyy?!?! I can’t take it anymore! Just sit down, shut up, and stop wallowing in self-pity already!!!! ARRGGHH!

Well dear readers, the Voice of Reason is not being reasonable anymore, therefore it is taking a turn in the corner for a time-out. I apologize for its outburst. I guess I should avoid this whole topic of conversation in the future, lest the Voice of Reason decide to come and silence me… permanently. (cue dramatic music)

However, seeing as how the Voice of Reason is a part of me, silencing me would in essence silence IT as well. Ha! Joke’s on it then!

So after all of this, I never did come up with a proper topic to post about. However I did get to ramble insanely for a while, and isn’t that what blogging is truly all about, dear readers?


Beware Dying Anthropomorphic Birds!

What?

I was walking my dog today and I came upon this sign. I pass it every day when walking by but I’d never stopped and taken a close look before. I was confused, amused and intrigued all at once. It was pretty special. I decided to snap a photo of it to share with you guys; maybe someone out there can enlighten me… What is this supposed to be telling me exactly?

Let analyze this step by step. The top part is pretty clear;  “DANGER” is pretty straightforward and so is the little lightning bolt implying electrocution (unless it’s supposed to be a mountain cracking open or something… but let’s stick with the previous assumption).

So, now we have a man opening a box with a key that’s crossed out and some kind of hemorrhaging fowl (?) flying towards him screaming “Nooooo!!” Actually it’s just “No!”, not a drawn out wail or anything, but I find my way adds drama to the scene, like it’s some kind of slow motion action sequence or something.

I really don’t know what they’re trying to say here… If I open the box I’ll be electrocuted AND assaulted by a dying anthropomorphic bird? Or if I try to open it the dying anthropomorphic bird will come and stop me?

It also says at the bottom “You can be badly hurt”. Now one would normally assume that the electrical components inside the box are what would hurt you, should you choose to mess with them. But now I’m not so sure… Maybe it’s THE BIRD or whatever (seriously, what the heck is that thing and why is it bleeding?) that will hurt you!  Maybe he’s trying to protect something valuable inside the box and the electrocution (or cracking mountain) symbol is just misdirection!

See, they really didn’t think this sign through. They need to be clear in their meaning, otherwise people everywhere will be opening these boxes to find out what’s inside. That or they’ll try to open them just so they can meet the anthropomorphic bird before it dies.

So in the end, if you ever need to create a warning sign, dear readers, stick to the obvious death threats, like skulls, explosions, people in wheelchairs rolling into the mouths of crocodiles… I’m not even kidding about the last one. Here’s a picture, and if you look closely (click to enlarge it), you’ll see that the “Resurrection Parking” (?!) and “Family Beer and Liquor” is nearby, so even if someone should roll to their doom there, they’ll just be brought back to life and then the whole family can go and get drunk. Hooray for signs!

Svenska: Internationell road signs in Kungsträ...

Svenska: Internationell road signs in Kungsträdgården in Stockholm (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


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