Somewhere in a little corner of the internet
In a blog where nothing really happens
I placed a video, and waited for someone to watch it.
Take note, this is how you advertise, people.
I had a five second dream the other night. It consisted of me walking and then slipping on the curb of a sidewalk, followed by that gut-wrenching, heart-stopping feeling that you are about to fall. Of course, seeing as I was in bed, I wasn’t actually falling, but my body wasn’t going to have any of that, of course, and it decided to jerk all crazily in an attempt to keep itself upright, which doesn’t make sense because I wasn’t upright to begin with. In any case, I was violently awoken by all the fuss and was left with my heart pounding away in my chest as if I had just narrowly cheated death somehow. I hate it when this happens.
Perhaps you have experienced this occurrence yourselves? Roughly 70 percent of people do after all. This occurrence has a name you know, and that name is hypnagogic myoclonic twitch. But that’s a bit of a mouthful, so people usually just refer to it as a “hypnic jerk”. Not to be confused with a “hippie jerk”, which is an entirely different issue.
I love that its name sounds like an insult. I can shake my fist in outrage at it yelling “You damn hypnic jerk!” and it feels like I’ve managed to put it in its place. It’s very satisfying.
Now you may be wondering why these damn hypnic jerks even occur in the first place. Well, apparently the experts are still not completely sure why the body does this, but they believe it to be a natural part of the sleeping process. They believe that as the muscles begin to relax and go slack right as you are falling asleep, the brain can misinterpret this and think you’re falling down. Then it basically freaks out. In an attempt to save you from falling, the brain sends signals to the muscles in your arms and legs and gives them a big ol’ twitch, thus awakening you from your sound slumber.
Now I’d like to know why the brain is misinterpreting these signals in the first place. Is it just too lazy to put forth the effort? Is it just a weird short-circuit that takes place? Or is it something more sinister? Maybe the brain is the real jerk here and it just enjoys kicking us awake just as we’re about to nod off. Yeah, that’s probably it. You heard it here first, folks. Our brains are little sadists. What’s even worse is that apparently hypnic jerks occur more frequently in people who are uncomfortable and having trouble sleeping, or in those who are already sleep deprived to begin with. See? Only a sadistic jerk would trick an insomniac into waking up, just as he or she was falling asleep.
Well then, it looks like the so-called “experts” have been fooled in the end. Our brains aren’t making us spasm to “save us from falling”. They’re just assholes.
For all of those wondering, it was intentional that I used “liebster” and not “lobster” in the title.
“Liebster” is a German word for “dearest” or “beloved”, therefore you’re all my beloved friends, and are not in fact my lobster friends.
But if you want to be my lobster friends, that’s fine too. I don’t discriminate against crustaceans.
The reason you’re all my liebster (and lobster) friends is that you always know how to make me smile and I enjoy making all of you smile. Smiles for everyone!
Also, I’ve been nominated for the Liebster Blog Award! Maybe I should have said that first. It would have made more sense… Oh well. In addition, I’ve also been nominated for the Versatile Blogger award! I am now especially smiley today because tadams4u from Laughing at Everyday Life saw fit to nominate me for these 2 (!) awards!
I am always flattered and honoured to be nominated. You get that nice, warm, fuzzy feeling inside when you realize that people actually read and enjoy your writing! It’s a great feeling and I love passing on that feeling to others, I really do. But sometimes the little rules attached to these awards can seem a little tedious. A little fun too, but still tedious. So I choose to look at them more as guidelines than anything else; you can follow as much or as little of them as you want. I figure as long as you’re sincere in your gratitude and in your own nominations, then that’s all that matters. :)
The awards I received are the Liebster Blog Award, which is awarded to bloggers with less than 200 followers who need a little extra recognition:
And the Versatile Blogger Award (Hooray! My second one!), which is basically awarded to any blog that you enjoy:
Now here are the rules for these lovely awards:
Versatile Blogger Award :
Liebster Blog Award :
Welp, I better get started. First, I’m going to share 7 things about myself, but since I already did this just a short while ago with my last Versatile Blogger Award, I’m going to go through this at warp speed compared to last time.
Now onto the nominations. Like I said, I’m rolling both these awards into one, so the nominees shall receive both the Versatile Blogger Award and the Liebster Blog Award (2 for the price of 1!) I really have no idea how to tell how many followers a blogger has if they opt not to post it, so hopefully those I nominate don’t actually have 1,000 followers or something. If you happen to have more than 200 followers, please don’t be offended that I thought you were just an awesome up-and-coming blogger, and not an awesome, already famous blogger.
The nominees are fairly new discoveries for me and they are all unique in their own way. Some are humorous, some are thought-provoking, some are a mixture of both, but all of them are enjoyable:
Well, that meets the Liebster Blog Award quota at least… good enough. Make sure to check out these excellent bloggers and don’t forget to also visit my liebster nominator Laughing at Everyday Life!
Rock on my lobster friends! Rock on!
Woe is me, dear readers! Break out the world’s smallest violin and rosin up its bow. Secure any and all dams for I am about to cry you a river.
Alas, I still cannot for the life of me think of something to blog about. I tried writing a haiku yesterday to get the creative juices flowing, but I think my brain is either all dried up or I just have a nasty clog.
I know, I know, today is Easter. I should just write about that, right? Wrong! Wrong, dear readers! There are already hundreds, nay thousands, of blogs and articles specifically dedicated to that very thing out there on the Internet for one to peruse! I refuse to submit to peer pressure and write about it just because everyone else is! It doesn’t matter if it makes for a perfect theme for a post! I’m NOT going to do it! You can’t make me!!! I’m not listening!!!
Now that I’ve calmed down after a time-out in the corner for my little tantrum, I have decided that the best course of action is to listen to the Voice of Reason. Reason is smart and will help me find something to write about.
So, Reason, what do you have to say?
Well, first of all Chris, do you realize that you are now currently writing a post about not being able to think of something to post about, which is easily just as common, if not more so, than posts about Easter? After all, there are many, many posts with people bemoaning their inability to write and those are written all year long.
Well, I –
Secondly, this isn’t even your first time writing about this!! You already mentioned yesterday’s haiku, but what about the time you wrote about nothing happening while you were searching in vain for something to write about? Do you even think before you start typing? Do you?
I do, but –
I don’t think you realize how whiny you sound! “Wah wah wah, I can’t think of anything! Why oh why won’t interesting things happen to me? Why can’t I spin out thrilling and humorous tales on a daily basis?” That’s you! That’s what you sound like! Why must everything be so dramatic with you, huh? Why can’t you just write like a normal person!?! Whyyy?!?! I can’t take it anymore! Just sit down, shut up, and stop wallowing in self-pity already!!!! ARRGGHH!
Well dear readers, the Voice of Reason is not being reasonable anymore, therefore it is taking a turn in the corner for a time-out. I apologize for its outburst. I guess I should avoid this whole topic of conversation in the future, lest the Voice of Reason decide to come and silence me… permanently. (cue dramatic music)
However, seeing as how the Voice of Reason is a part of me, silencing me would in essence silence IT as well. Ha! Joke’s on it then!
So after all of this, I never did come up with a proper topic to post about. However I did get to ramble insanely for a while, and isn’t that what blogging is truly all about, dear readers?
I discovered something very tragic today indeed, dear readers. Yesterday was National PB & J Day in the United States and I missed it! In the words of Charlie Brown:
I know what you’re all thinking…. But Chris! You’re not even American! True enough, dear readers, true enough. But even so, were I aware of the existence of this amazing holiday yesterday, I would have had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich anyhow in honour of it. They’re so delicious after all…
What? That isn’t what you were all thinking? Oh I see, what you were really thinking was Why the hell are you talking about peanut butter sandwiches when your title clearly states this post should be about bananas?! There’s even a dancing banana at the top!!
Patience, dear readers, patience; I’m getting to that. Now where was I again? Oh yes, Peanut Butter and Jelly Day. It turns out that every day is some kind of holiday in the US (how cool is that?). Here is a full list of said holidays. April 2nd is as I’ve said, PB & J day.
Today, April 3rd, is Tweed Day and Don’t Go to Work Unless It’s Fun Day (awesome and awesome). Those go together perfectly! Tweed is always fun, which means if you celebrate Tweed Day, you’re definitely going to have fun at work. But I suppose if you’d rather stay home, you’d have to forgo the tweed, which would be a shame. Can’t have everything I guess…
Now tomorrow, April 4th, is Tell-A-Lie Day. Here’s a good one to use: “This sentence is a lie.” But Chris, if that sentence is a lie, then it’s telling the truth, hence it can’t be a lie, but it can’t be the truth because it says it’s a lie…. Don’t hurt yourselves thinking about it, dear readers, just inflict it on your friends, co-workers, maybe even your boss… Perhaps the latter will become trapped in an infinite loop, thus preparing you for April 5th, Go For Broke Day, where you may now be able to persuade your boss’s weakened mind into giving you that raise or extra vacation time you’ve been too afraid to ask for.
The list goes on. April 13th, Blame Somebody Else Day, sounds like a particularly fun one… or horrible one, depending which side of the blaming you’re on.
Now, here’s what you’ve all been waiting for dear readers…. What is the relevance of bananas in my post? The suspense must be killing you.
Here it is, as a tribute to National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day:
*tumbleweeds blow past*
Come now, dear readers, it may be a little passé but I believe it still has comedic merit.
Are you still there?
*Note: For those who are unfamiliar with this dancing banana, it was a very popular meme a few years ago that went viral. If you want to know more, then I’ll direct your attention to this:
I was walking my dog today and I came upon this sign. I pass it every day when walking by but I’d never stopped and taken a close look before. I was confused, amused and intrigued all at once. It was pretty special. I decided to snap a photo of it to share with you guys; maybe someone out there can enlighten me… What is this supposed to be telling me exactly?
Let analyze this step by step. The top part is pretty clear; “DANGER” is pretty straightforward and so is the little lightning bolt implying electrocution (unless it’s supposed to be a mountain cracking open or something… but let’s stick with the previous assumption).
So, now we have a man opening a box with a key that’s crossed out and some kind of hemorrhaging fowl (?) flying towards him screaming “Nooooo!!” Actually it’s just “No!”, not a drawn out wail or anything, but I find my way adds drama to the scene, like it’s some kind of slow motion action sequence or something.
I really don’t know what they’re trying to say here… If I open the box I’ll be electrocuted AND assaulted by a dying anthropomorphic bird? Or if I try to open it the dying anthropomorphic bird will come and stop me?
It also says at the bottom “You can be badly hurt”. Now one would normally assume that the electrical components inside the box are what would hurt you, should you choose to mess with them. But now I’m not so sure… Maybe it’s THE BIRD or whatever (seriously, what the heck is that thing and why is it bleeding?) that will hurt you! Maybe he’s trying to protect something valuable inside the box and the electrocution (or cracking mountain) symbol is just misdirection!
See, they really didn’t think this sign through. They need to be clear in their meaning, otherwise people everywhere will be opening these boxes to find out what’s inside. That or they’ll try to open them just so they can meet the anthropomorphic bird before it dies.
So in the end, if you ever need to create a warning sign, dear readers, stick to the obvious death threats, like skulls, explosions, people in wheelchairs rolling into the mouths of crocodiles… I’m not even kidding about the last one. Here’s a picture, and if you look closely (click to enlarge it), you’ll see that the “Resurrection Parking” (?!) and “Family Beer and Liquor” is nearby, so even if someone should roll to their doom there, they’ll just be brought back to life and then the whole family can go and get drunk. Hooray for signs!
Say what you will about Weird Al Yankovic, but he sure knows how to polka. Over the years, he’s compiled and adapted several medleys of songs to the dulcet tones of an accordion. Here’s the most recent one featuring such “talented” artists as: Britney Spears, Justin Bieber and Ke$ha:
If you enjoyed that, you might like this one as well from a few years ago:
If you still aren’t all polka’d out, you might like to view some of the earlier polka medleys such as The Angry White Boy Polka, Polka Power… Hey! there’s even a Bohemian Rhapsody polka! I mean come on, what more could you ask for?
Now if you REALLY want to get your freaky polka on, here’s one with some classics from the 60s and 70s set to some My Little Pony video…. don’t ask me why.