Posted in Funny, Holidays, Random, Weird, Writing

The Voice of Reason

Woe is me, dear readers! Break out the world’s smallest violin and rosin up its bow. Secure any and all dams for I am about to cry you a river.

Alas, I still cannot for the life of me think of something to blog about. I tried writing a haiku yesterday to get the creative juices flowing, but I think my brain is either all dried up or I just have a nasty clog.

I know, I know, today is Easter. I should just write about that, right? Wrong! Wrong, dear readers! There are already hundreds, nay thousands, of blogs and articles specifically dedicated to that very thing out there on the Internet for one to peruse! I refuse to submit to peer pressure and write about it just because everyone else is! It doesn’t matter if it makes for a perfect theme for a post! I’m NOT going to do it! You can’t make me!!! I’m not listening!!!

*Ahem*

Now that I’ve calmed down after a time-out in the corner for my little tantrum, I have decided that the best course of action is to listen to the Voice of Reason. Reason is smart and will help me find something to write about.

So, Reason, what do you have to say?

Well, first of all Chris, do you realize that you are now currently writing a post about not being able to think of something to post about, which is easily just as common, if not more so, than posts about Easter? After all, there are many, many posts with people bemoaning their inability to write and those are written all year long.

Well, I –

Secondly, this isn’t even your first time writing about this!! You already mentioned yesterday’s haiku, but what about the time you wrote about nothing happening while you were searching in vain for something to write about? Do you even think before you start typing? Do you?

I do, but –

I don’t think you realize how whiny you sound! “Wah wah wah, I can’t think of anything! Why oh why won’t interesting things happen to me? Why can’t I spin out thrilling and humorous tales on a daily basis?”  That’s you! That’s what you sound like! Why must everything be so dramatic with you, huh? Why can’t you just write like a normal person!?! Whyyy?!?! I can’t take it anymore! Just sit down, shut up, and stop wallowing in self-pity already!!!! ARRGGHH!

Well dear readers, the Voice of Reason is not being reasonable anymore, therefore it is taking a turn in the corner for a time-out. I apologize for its outburst. I guess I should avoid this whole topic of conversation in the future, lest the Voice of Reason decide to come and silence me… permanently. (cue dramatic music)

However, seeing as how the Voice of Reason is a part of me, silencing me would in essence silence IT as well. Ha! Joke’s on it then!

So after all of this, I never did come up with a proper topic to post about. However I did get to ramble insanely for a while, and isn’t that what blogging is truly all about, dear readers?

Posted in Funny, Random, Writing

Writer’s Block

♦ ♦ ♦

Sometimes blogs are hard.

Haikus can be fun stand-ins.

I lied. They cannot.

♦ ♦ ♦

sakura
Sakura (Photo credit: sa-pi)
Posted in Funny, Random, Weird

Mr. Ridiculously Photogenic Guy

Hello once again, dear readers. Today I would like to introduce you to someone. This is, as dubbed by the Internet, Mr. Ridiculously Photogenic Guy:

(Photo Source: KnowYourMeme.com)

Isn’t he pretty? This photo was taken only a week ago, on March 31st, and it’s already gone viral online. Actually this was the original photo:

He does stand out in a crowd...

Just look at him, dear readers! While everyone around him is sweaty and all red in the face from exertion (you know, like normal people?) he somehow manages to look like he’s in the middle of modelling for a Nike ad or something. While it is possible, even probable, that he is also sweating and red in the face, his beaming smile and shining eyes make any imperfection invisible to the camera.

Some people have got it really good; it’s just impossible to take a bad photo of them. They can be hung over, covered in their own vomit (or even other people’s vomit) and dressed in a paper bag yet somehow, they still manage to look magnificent in photos. Don’t you just hate those people sometimes?

I know in my case, I’m the complete opposite of photogenic. I’m always the one in pictures with my eyes half closed or with some weird expression on my face that only seems to appear right as the picture is being taken. And I know I’m not the only one out there who suffers from this sad affliction. We just can’t all be as ridiculously photogenic as Zeddie Little (that’s the guy’s name; even his name is somehow photogenic, whether that makes sense or not). C’est la vie, I guess…

And apparently, everyone online  has fallen in love with this guy (including me – just look at that radiant smile!), which of course means that they chose to express their love through the magic of Photoshop. Here are a few examples that I found:

 

He was even in the newspaper:

So Mr. Ridiculously Photogenic Guy, I salute you for becoming famous by smiling at the camera. (Who would have guessed that was possible?) However, one of the pitfalls of fame is getting an inflated ego, which is so very unattractive. So, as a favour to you, I’m going to give you something to keep your head from swelling and becoming ugly:

Remember this and you can be beautiful forever...

Now don’t worry Mr. Ridiculously Photogenic guy. We don’t actually hate you, right dear readers? It just the little green devil called Envy For Not Being As Photogenic As You (the name just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?) that makes us think we do sometimes.

Posted in Funny, Music, Random

Come for the laughs, realize there are none, and stay for the music

Hello, dear readers! Since I’ve started this blog, I’ve done my utmost to post at least one thing a day. Today I will continue that trend, however as I am tired and lacking anything clever to say, I’m going to keep the writing to a minimum.  Instead, let me share with you some music that I am fond of.

These videos are by a band called Walk Off the Earth. They’re the ones who made the famous 5-people-on-one-guitar cover of Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used to Know”.  (If  you haven’t seen these, you need to! The cover has almost 85 million views on YouTube while the original has almost 144 million!! …I think that speaks for itself.)

The first video is their cover of Malvina Reynold’s song “Little Boxes”. It has a set made entirely of cardboard! The second one is one of their original songs called “Money Tree” and it’s made with the magic of stop-motion! See? They’re awesome, right? Enjoy!

Posted in Holidays, Music, Musings

Happy Birthday To Me!

Birthday Cake
Mmmmm... Cake (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

That’s right, dear readers, today is my birthday. I am now 25 years old. That’s one-quarter of a century, halfway to 50. I’m not sure if it should or not, but it doesn’t feel any different from any other birthday.

I find it funny how when you’re a kid, each birthday is extremely significant and a source of pride, as if suddenly going from 7 to 8 years old is a great accomplishment. Kids are very aware of their age and the ages of the other kids around them, because when you’re that age, that’s usually how the social hierarchy is decided. The older kids are the ones in charge and they get to do things that the younger ones can’t.

When you’re an adult, all of that changes. Your age begins to have less and less to do with your social or professional status. A 50-year-old person can just as easily be the subordinate to one of 30 years of age as not.

Also, the addition of one year or two of age begins to have less and less impact on our appearance. It’s easy to tell the difference between a 5-year-old and a 7-year-old, but can you tell the difference between someone who is 45 and 47? Maybe you can, but I sure can’t.

So, just to reiterate, 25 doesn’t feel any different from 24…. However, cake and presents are always good so I’m going to enjoy this day all the same!

I’m going to leave you now with the number one songs of 25 years ago on the date of April 4th, 1987. Why, you ask? Because it’s fun, that’s why ;)

In the US, it was Starship’s “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now”, which you may remember from the classic 80’s movie, Mannequin.

And in the UK, the number one song at the time was a cover of “Let It Be”, performed by Ferry Aid, a British-American ensemble group brought together in the aftermath of the Zeebrugge Disaster.

You just gotta love that 80’s hair!

Posted in Funny, Holidays, Random, Weird

A Banana By Any Other Name Would Be Just As Funny

(Image Source: KnowYourMeme.com)

I discovered something very tragic today indeed, dear readers. Yesterday was National PB & J Day in the United States and I missed it! In the words of Charlie Brown:

(Photo Source: Photobucket.com)

I know what you’re all thinking…. But Chris! You’re not even American! True enough, dear readers, true enough. But even so, were I aware of the existence of this amazing holiday yesterday, I would have had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich anyhow in honour of it. They’re so delicious after all…

What? That isn’t what you were all thinking? Oh I see, what you were really thinking was Why the hell are you talking about peanut butter sandwiches when your title clearly states this post should be about bananas?! There’s even a dancing banana at the top!!

Patience, dear readers, patience; I’m getting to that. Now where was I again? Oh yes, Peanut Butter and Jelly Day. It turns out that every day is some kind of holiday in the US (how cool is that?). Here is a full list of said holidays. April 2nd is as I’ve said, PB & J day.

Today, April 3rd, is Tweed Day and Don’t Go to Work Unless It’s Fun Day (awesome and awesome). Those go together perfectly! Tweed is always fun, which means if you celebrate Tweed Day, you’re definitely going to have fun at work. But I suppose if you’d rather stay home, you’d have to forgo the tweed, which would be a shame. Can’t have everything I guess…

Now tomorrow, April 4th, is Tell-A-Lie Day. Here’s a good one to use: “This sentence is a lie.”  But Chris, if that sentence is a lie, then it’s telling the truth, hence it can’t be a lie, but it can’t be the truth because it says it’s a lie…. Don’t hurt yourselves thinking about it, dear readers, just inflict it on your friends, co-workers, maybe even your boss… Perhaps the latter will become trapped in an infinite loop, thus preparing you for April 5th, Go For Broke Day, where you may now be able to persuade your boss’s weakened mind into giving you that raise or extra vacation time you’ve been too afraid to ask for.

The list goes on. April 13th, Blame Somebody Else Day, sounds like a particularly fun one… or horrible one, depending which side of the blaming you’re on.

Now, here’s what you’ve all been waiting for dear readers…. What is the relevance of bananas in my post?  The suspense must be killing you.

Here it is, as a tribute to National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day:

*crickets chirp* 

*tumbleweeds blow past* 

Come now, dear readers, it may be a little passé but I believe it still has comedic merit.

*silence*

*more silence*

Are you still there?

*Silence*


*Note: For those who are unfamiliar with this dancing banana, it was a very popular meme a few years ago that went viral. If you want to know  more, then I’ll direct your attention to this:

Posted in Funny, Random, Signs, Weird

Beware Dying Anthropomorphic Birds!

What?

I was walking my dog today and I came upon this sign. I pass it every day when walking by but I’d never stopped and taken a close look before. I was confused, amused and intrigued all at once. It was pretty special. I decided to snap a photo of it to share with you guys; maybe someone out there can enlighten me… What is this supposed to be telling me exactly?

Let analyze this step by step. The top part is pretty clear;  “DANGER” is pretty straightforward and so is the little lightning bolt implying electrocution (unless it’s supposed to be a mountain cracking open or something… but let’s stick with the previous assumption).

So, now we have a man opening a box with a key that’s crossed out and some kind of hemorrhaging fowl (?) flying towards him screaming “Nooooo!!” Actually it’s just “No!”, not a drawn out wail or anything, but I find my way adds drama to the scene, like it’s some kind of slow motion action sequence or something.

I really don’t know what they’re trying to say here… If I open the box I’ll be electrocuted AND assaulted by a dying anthropomorphic bird? Or if I try to open it the dying anthropomorphic bird will come and stop me?

It also says at the bottom “You can be badly hurt”. Now one would normally assume that the electrical components inside the box are what would hurt you, should you choose to mess with them. But now I’m not so sure… Maybe it’s THE BIRD or whatever (seriously, what the heck is that thing and why is it bleeding?) that will hurt you!  Maybe he’s trying to protect something valuable inside the box and the electrocution (or cracking mountain) symbol is just misdirection!

See, they really didn’t think this sign through. They need to be clear in their meaning, otherwise people everywhere will be opening these boxes to find out what’s inside. That or they’ll try to open them just so they can meet the anthropomorphic bird before it dies.

So in the end, if you ever need to create a warning sign, dear readers, stick to the obvious death threats, like skulls, explosions, people in wheelchairs rolling into the mouths of crocodiles… I’m not even kidding about the last one. Here’s a picture, and if you look closely (click to enlarge it), you’ll see that the “Resurrection Parking” (?!) and “Family Beer and Liquor” is nearby, so even if someone should roll to their doom there, they’ll just be brought back to life and then the whole family can go and get drunk. Hooray for signs!

Svenska: Internationell road signs in Kungsträ...
Svenska: Internationell road signs in Kungsträdgården in Stockholm (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Posted in Funny, Music, Random, Weird

Polka Can Make Anything Better

Say what you will about Weird Al Yankovic, but he sure knows how to polka. Over the years, he’s compiled and adapted several medleys of songs to the dulcet tones of an accordion. Here’s the most recent one featuring such “talented” artists as: Britney Spears, Justin Bieber and Ke$ha:

If you enjoyed that, you might like this one as well from a few years ago:

If you still aren’t all polka’d out, you might like to view some of the earlier polka medleys such as The Angry White Boy Polka, Polka Power… Hey! there’s even a Bohemian Rhapsody polka! I mean come on, what more could you ask for?

Now if you REALLY want to get your freaky polka on, here’s one with some classics from the 60s and 70s set to some My Little Pony video…. don’t ask me why.

Posted in Funny, Random, Weird

How Broccoli Is Evidence That Pigs Can Fly

Did you know that broccoli can help support the hypothesis that all pigs fly? Or even that all horses do the hokey pokey? Well it’s true! With the magic of Hempel’s Paradox (also known as the Raven Paradox) pretty much any theory can be supported. And “supported” is the key term here, because obviously, you can’t prove anything with broccoli (as far as I know), but that’s beside the point…

Pigs might fly...

So how does this work? Well, there are a lot of complicated formulas and technical terms involved, but basically it all boils down to this:

You first need a hypothesis to work with. Hempel went with:

1 – All ravens are black.

Logically, this statement would then be equivalent to:

2 – Everything that is not black is not a raven.

Makes sense, right? Okay from here, we can surmise that every time we see a black raven, we are gaining evidence to support statement #1. Of course, that also means that every time we see something that is not black and is not a raven, we are gaining evidence to support statement #2. For example, that object is red (i.e. not black) and is an apple (i.e. not a raven), therefore it is evidence supporting “Everything that is not black is not a raven”. Since statement #1 and #2 are equivalent, seeing a red apple supports the hypothesis “All ravens are black”. You with me so far?

Okay, so herein lies the paradox, my friends. What we’re saying is that we can gain information about ravens, by looking at apples… You can see the problem with that, right? That’s what makes this paradox so fun!

Now comes the really, really fun part! Let’s use a new hypothesis:

1 – All pigs fly.

Therefore, following the same formula as before:

2 – Everything that does not fly is not a pig. Right?

Even if you never see a flying pig to support statement #1 (you never know, though…), for every object you see that is not flying and is not a pig, such as broccoli, you are gaining evidence supporting the statement “Everything that does not fly is not a pig”.

Of course, there is the problem that every time you do see a pig and it’s not flying (which is usually the case, I would think), you gain some evidence against “All pigs fly”. However the beauty of this paradox lies in the fact that there are FAR more objects (broccoli, rocks, trees, Justin Bieber, etc.) that aren’t pigs that aren’t flying to support statement #2. So, if you were to weigh all the evidence for and against your hypothesis on a scale,
that scale would be heavily tipped in favor of statement #2, which, as we’ve noted is equivalent to statement #1, which then means, dear readers, that you technically have evidence to support the theory that pigs fly!

Of course, as I mentioned earlier, broccoli will never actually prove that pigs fly, but I find it hilarious that it can be used as logical evidence towards it, even though it goes against all common sense.

What’s even funnier is that this can be used for other great hypotheses, such as all dogs are made of candy, all tables are time machines or even… all pencils are the ghost of Elvis.

So, now that I’ve shared this great concept with you, and if you’ve managed to understand my terrible attempt at explaining it, you may go out into the world knowing that the gum that you’ve stepped in actually supports your theory that all cats are ninjas…

Posted in Funny, Musings, Random, Weird

We All Scream For Ice Cream

Ice Creeaaam!!!

Most people have seen this painting before by Edvard Munch, called simply, The Scream; but have they ever stopped to think about WHY the man in the painting is screaming?

Of course they have, Chris. Lots of people have wondered that, and if you would have stopped to do some research, you would know that Edvard Munch actually explained his inspiration as – SHUT UP internal logic! You’re boring. It’s much more fun to try to interpret it ourselves.

So, why is this poor man screaming? Is he screaming for his friends, who seem to be running away and hiding from him in the background? Maybe they couldn’t stand to look at him anymore, since he looks like a wax sculpture of Macaulay Culkin from Home Alone melting in the sun… Or maybe he’s screaming because he’s realized he’s lost his Preciousss (Get it? Because he also looks like Gollum)? Or maybe, just maybe, he’s screaming for ice cream. Because as we all know, I scream, you scream, we ALL scream for ice cream… Apparently.

What do you fine readers think? Any thoughts or insights into the true nature of The Scream? Comment and let me know; but no research, you hear me? That’s cheating.